JUSTIFIED

so let me tell you all...

2006-04-21T03:46:03Z

so let me tell you all... one day, you wake up and everything is different!
you lose a person who you deserve to lose.
you tell your parents finally what has happened...
and it's all of a sudden reality,
and it kinda sucks.
the truth is,
he's an amazing man.
really.
more man than i'll ever be...
and i dont think anything will ever change that!
i messed up. and now he's moving on.
and he should.
please dont be sad for me...
im plenty sad for all of us.
this really, is a venting...
i might as well use the outlet that he introduced me to two years ago!
i wanted to stop hurting him, and the only thing that would do that,
was honesty.
at least i thought it was!
what a pointless post... an apology?
retarded.
so let me tell you all... one day, i wake up and i realize i have nothing... really.
i mean family. and work.
but what is that?
i have to rebuild friendships, relationships with people who barely know me now...
i need to find new support systems, again... just humbling myself and going back to those who were there before him.
i find that i cant even say his name...
it hurts.
i think he's hurting more.
and i think i hate myself for that!
so let me tell you all... saturday, im waking up and bringing my sister to the hospital to have her baby.
she's to be enduced...
it's a boy.
and he's not gonna know him...
and it kills me.
i hate that i think about this so much...
that i wear a smile...
but inside... even three months after...
im like this.
a complete mess.
so let me tell you all... you can't have your cake and eat it too.
he's too good for that.
how sad is teddy? please guys... tell me im sad.
tell me he deserved better...
tell me he should have yelled more...
tell me he should have broken my heart...
tell me i lost the one thing that made my life right...
but dont.
coz i already know.
so let me tell you all... all i can do is let time heal scars.
let him grow without me.
and let myself grow up without him.
notice: he is to grow, and i am to grow up.
if ur lucky enough to know him... please watch out for him.
he's a great guy, and he needs you guys!
and tell him not to speed...
and tell him to go to sleep early...
and tell him not to cry...
and tell him he should study.
so let me tell you all...
i'll be okay.
just not today.

the real winner...

2005-12-09T22:33:45Z

courtesy of UPN and ANTM.
p.s. nik rules and nicole sucks!

coz how often do i do these? read it, it's too funny.

2005-09-09T04:23:42Z

1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.

1.~How did you meet sherwinator? online: hmmm... i dont remember! in person: @ rage
2.~What would you do if you had never met 10deep? hmmm. newman days wouldnt have been the same.lol.
3.~What do you honestly think of nosignal_? i <3 him.
4.~Would or did downbeat and green_apples go out? no. but that would have been wild.
5.~Have you ever liked theababe? i love that girl... but i never really liked her. HA.
6.~If johnovision died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know? that i love that he is passionate about BLD, and that i see a lot of me in him.
7.~Would idontimwally and _discordant make a good couple? i would never let that happen. ;) they would be aiit.
8.~Describe misschaese in 3 words: BEAUTIFUL, SMART and PERFECT.
9.~Do you think laadidadi is hot? LIKE FIYAH BABY!!! OW.
10.~Would johnovision and princesskiang make a lovely couple? ummm, he's a lil shorter than her.
11.~What do you think of when you see green_apples? a black piano and david usher.
12.~Tell me something humiliating about _discordant: he used to date me... how horrible.
13.~Do you know any of nosignal_'s family members? yes.
14.~What's nosignal_'s favorite color? ME. lol. he wears a lot of blue. and it matches his mood lol.
15.~On a scale of 1-10 how cute is nakedpulse? she's aiit. kidding. like a 9.9 coz im the only 10 in the world.
16.~What would you do if airicheboy just professed their undying love for you? muahaha. again? kidding. i'd blush. coz he's my sunshine, but then i think patrick would kill him!
17.~What language does downbeat speak? ummm english. and sometimes sarcasm.
18.~Who is ldburden going out with? ummm i dunno.
19.~Is superchen a boy or a girl? muahaha she just walked into that one. she's a girl... although sometimes i hate that she looks like one now!
20.~Would i_am_ivy and airicheboy make a good couple? ha. she's HAWT. and he likes boys. i dont see love in their future!
21.~Who do you think carlojsuarez would be great with from this list? no one. he's too much of a player. i love him to death, but he's BAD NEWS. lol. kidding.
22.~When was the last time you talked to laadidadi? lastnight? lol.
23.~What is theababe's favorite band? hmmm.. she loves a lot of things... i could never answer that! maybe TRU LEGACY? ;)
24.~Does idontimwally have any siblings? he does. he has a brother.
25.~Would you ever date nosignal_? funny... are you a mind reader or what? thass my baby!
26.~Would you ever date misschaese? HA. i think i thought about it once, while i was lying on her tummy. and she jocked me and asked me for my pager number, but i dont have dirty fingernails!
27.~Is carlojsuarez single? no. he has his sarah.
28.~What is nosignal_'s last name? Lumilan-Lacsina.
29.~What is i_am_ivy's middle name? i dont know... pretty girl?
30~What is nosignal_'s fantasy? he doesnt have one, it came true! lol.
31.~Where does superchen live? about 20 minutes away!
32.~Would you make out with sherwinator? ha ha. ur trying to get me into trouble. if i say no he's all offended and if i say yes, p. diddy will kill me. ha. he's a hottie, if you know what i mean!
33.~Are 10deep and nosignal_ best friends? no but they were before.... :( i had to put an end to that bizznASS. ha ha.
34.~Does misschaese like nosignal_? she does. thank god.
35.~How did you meet i_am_ivy? oddly enough, i helped choose her birthday cake before i even knew her, and i went to her party at tgiFRIDAYS
36.~Is laadidadi older than you? hell no.
37.~Is princesskiang the sexiest person alive? hell YES.

im baaaaaaaack...

2005-08-12T17:44:17Z

when you think about it, 6 months is a lot longer than you realize.
but
absence makes the heart grow fonder...
do you miss me?

life is the same for the most part.
work.
family.
my love.
work.
you know me, pretty standard. pretty boring.

so what the HELL is going on with the heat???
tell me why it's hotter here than it is in CALI?
and tell me why i still have to look cute at work,
yet i melt on the way there... urgh.
AUTUMN my friend come and rescue me from this tragedy.
*but pls. tell me about YOUR summer.

i have yet to see most of the pretty faces that i love and miss...
and im sure there are plenty a story we must all share!
so holla at your boy...
all who read this... i want to know how you are...
and if we can meet for a coke before the end of summer.
HOLLER.

11 months.

2005-01-24T17:33:01Z

happy 11 months baby. i love you.

one year and three days...

2005-01-08T02:01:32Z

it was one year ago today that we were preparing to bury my first nephew. it was right after the holidays, and in the dead of winter, we had to say goodbye to a baby boy whom we had all grown to love.

so maybe most of his short, short life was lived in an incubator. maybe he never did get to see the outside of the neonatal care centre of the hospital. regardless... there was something about Ethan that brought us joy. This tiny baby was stronger, and fought harder than any of us ever had. He had overcome obstacles that not even the doctors thought he would. when he was born over four months early, no one believed he would even live, but live he did. my cousins and i believed that maybe just maybe Ethan was brought to earth to bring our family closer together. and that he did.

Ethan the name, means strength. how odd it is, that he manifested this trait from the get go. they told us he was blind, but i know in my heart that he could see. that he saw all of us. his mother(my sister) and his father. his proud mama and papa, who were beaming every single time they got a chance to see him. and even if he never did while he was physically here, i know he looks down from above and sees them everyday.

i remember holding ethan just after he died. it was the first time i had ever seen him without tubes coming out of his nose, first time i had seen him not connected to an iv. he was still warm, and he wasnt stiff, it was as if he was asleep. and i kept praying and hoping that he would wake up. i remember saying it again and again in my head "wake up, wake up", but he never did... my first nephew was really dead. i held him and sobbed and my mother and father placed their hands on my shoulders and sobbed right along with me. i made a vow right there to him that i would think of him everyday, and i havent broken it. i still look at the picture of him that sits on my dresser, and i still have a pair of his socks that i gave him for christmas.

ethan, i know you watch down on us and you protect us from above. and i know yer up there being well taken care of, by my grandparents! i know that one day, you and i will chill up in the clouds. i'll teach you how to pick up girls by singing them a love song, and we'll be a family again... all of us.

i love you ethan.
we'll see u soon.</center>

how accurate does this seem???

2004-11-22T04:37:19Z

You Are the Reformer

1

You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong.

High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them.

You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect.

You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

What number are you?

im in some good spirits.
let's hope for a streak.
work is the shit.
i heart it.
christmas is coming.
i love that feeling.
and i heart my baby, my family, and friends...
is this what content is?
holla at yo boi strangers...
i miss the talking....

trick or treat...

2004-11-02T05:09:35Z

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
notyotypicalboi goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as nurse.
_discordant gives you 1 light blue vanilla-flavoured pieces of chewing gum.
airicheboy tricks you! You get a toothbrush.
downbeat gives you 1 blue passionfruit-flavoured gummies.
green_apples tricks you! You get a rotten egg.
idontimwally tricks you! You get a block of wood.
johnovision gives you 9 red-orange spearmint-flavoured miniature candy bars.
laadidadi tricks you! You get a 3.5-inch floppy disc.
ldburden gives you 1 red watermelon-flavoured gummy fruits.
nosignal_ tricks you! You lose 8 pieces of candy!
superchen gives you 6 light green cinnamon-flavoured gummy bears.
notyotypicalboi ends up with 10 pieces of candy, a toothbrush, a rotten egg, a block of wood, and a 3.5-inch floppy disc.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

</center>

press party and hurr.

2004-09-29T16:48:47Z

funny how it's only a few hours until the press party for my store(Toronto Eaton Centre H&M), and i am for some strange reason compelled to update my lj in which i have failed to update for the past couple of weeks. ha ha ha. yesterday i got a new haircut. i think that my stylist is the shit, and i love it. i dont think its vain to say that i love my hair is it? i mean, i cant take any credit for it whatsoever... i had absolutely NO part in the creation of it... so i guess its really just giving AJ(my stylist) his due gratitude.
my baby came with me to do errands yesterday and i realized how much shit this guy does for me. like really. its our only mutual day off and he still spent it with me doing the stupid things on my list. getting my hair cut, insoles for my shoes, organizing my outfit for press party, calling the staff to remind them about the info for today... i mean really, he IS A SAINT. and thass why i belong to him.
im wondering why im not more nervous about tonight. all the hard work of my department is pretty much unveiled tonight and i dont even have one knot in my stomach. which in a way is a blessing, but when i walk into the store and everything is set and the 1000+ members of the press come in, im sure i'll wanna run and cry. ha ha ha.
maybe i'll just sneak a few drinks from one of the three open bars and get SMASHED... lol... not. so wish me luck and enjoy the eye candy! isnt my lj soooo much better now that i can edit my pictures? lol.

HOLLA AT YO BOI.
i miss u guys.

coz i thot it was funny... and... my first creation.

2004-09-16T02:08:04Z

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Eyes
Special Talents Are	Kissing

Quiz created with MemeGen!

so now all i gotta do is practice... (=

uplifted? unWANTED?

2004-09-03T03:03:34Z

after about a year of hiatus, i journeyed into my past, and served at this years "Youth Encounter". there are so many ways i could describe the weekend, but it all ends up being one big contradiciton! i loved it, i didnt. i wanted to be there, i didnt. so random... so weird...

i was once lil mr. bld. and now it seems when im there im out of place... the one thing that kept me sane this weekend was knowing that the Lord had called me to service. i felt joy and happiness watching the youth embrace their new found relationship with God, yet at the same time there was so much B.S... crap that i had forgotten existed. so unBLD... so unGODLIKE... so... i dunno anymore.

maybe im just jaded, and i take things too personally. maybe im too hardcore and i expect too much of the youth... or maybe just maybe i want to see things go back to where the youth were praising God to PRAISE GOD! there is this innocence... i see it in the new youth who encountered the Lord this weekend... and i just wish that the other youth could almost use that as an example of where they should get back to... find the root of praise and worship. i know i did.

the weekend was at most times BEAUTIFULLY orchestrated... touching sharing, beautiful praise, fun activities, and a group of youth working together... how much more could be done to please the Lord? but then there were times where there was bickering, fighting, and juss silly actions. it wasnt even close to everyone... but i dont like having to sit there and watch someone doing something inappropriate... being afraid to tell them not to, just because i dont wanna come off as the BAD kuya, or the kill joy... or so many other bad words i've heard that i've been called.

so i guess for the most part im back. and im glad. my relationship with God has been put on the backburner for far too long... i've stayed away from the youth: my other family for far to long... but the question is, has the ministry changed so much that i will not be welcomed? or should i follow blindly relying on faith, because after all it is for the greater Glory of the Lord? im torn... its like being in a box... there's light... but i cant seem to get to it...

so tomorrow is day one... and i hope it'll be a good one. healing mass. how i've missed it. seeing all the families and kids i grew with... seeing influential people in my life... the people who have been there for me when all else failed... please Lord, let this be the right decision... although when all is said and done... i trust u completely.

frustrated...

2004-08-24T04:00:23Z

he really should've won... or at least medalled.

im getting tired of this bad judging crap...
that hamm guy has gotta give his medal back.
URGH.
what a farce...

butterflies.

2004-07-25T14:21:10Z

its been kept pretty quiet until now...
but tonight, Sunday July 25th, 2004 i am in a show!
i am the second lead in a musical that is being held at The Markham Theatre for Performing Arts.
nervous.
insecure.
and afraid...
seem like pale words when trying to describe the discomfort im feeling right now.
YES, i am quite dramatic usually...
but i have this thing, where my biggest fear in life is to let people down.
unfortunately for me, it seems that its what i do best!
i havent sung in public for almost a year(big event that is),
and i havent acted for almost two...
what have i gotten myself into?
i let very few people know about the show as to save myself the embarassment of a flop...
but lastnight i called and made patrick call everyone we knew to try to get them to come...
my frame of mind switched from keeping it a secret to desperately needing support in the audience.
will i crack?
how many of my lines will i mess up?
will i remember my choreography?
PLEASE, LORD HELP ME!
why would they cast me knowing i would crack under pressure?
sometimes my faux confidence gets me into binds.
well kids...
off to sound check...
*sigh*

lol.

2004-07-17T06:21:37Z

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	friendly
Your eyes...	burn into my heart
Your touch is...	the only thing I desire
Your smell is...	amazing
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	everlasting

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

to the love of my life...

2004-07-09T05:37:42Z

it was 20 years ago today that god let one of his angels get away!
he came in the form of a beautiful baby boy, to two proud parents.
now, two decades later he celebrates his fete.

i know baby that i promised i wouldnt, but for crying out loud i couldnt help it! there is no way that i would let today pass without truly expressing just how much yer life means... not only to me but to everyone you have ever come in contact with!

i looked in yer eyes today and smiled. i know you just left... but i miss you already! see, you have this certain power over me, and you can ask anyone... NO ONE HAS EVER HAD THAT KIND OF POWER OVER ME! i am blessed everyday by yer presence. i get to see ur wit, ur personality, ur morals, ur temper, ur happiness, ur kindness, ur selflessness, and ur talkative side. many of these things are shown to so few, that i am in awe that u chose me... coz God knows that over all others, i will always choose YOU!

so baby, happy twentieth... may you be blessed with 100 more years filled with as much success as you have had in the last 20... in my 21 years, you may very well be my biggest blessing! thank you for being my everything... for being the other half that makes me whole... and for showing me, that there is a such thing as a happy ending. i love you.

happy twentieth birthday baby!

dont worry baby... u got me.

2004-06-30T14:34:20Z

we spent a splendid couple of days together,
just haning out...
chilling in my room.
packing, doing laundry, wrestling...
and its been so amazing!
we've been trying to maximize our time together since im leaving for chicago tonight.
****
i took him to the bus stop yesterday and we were jokingly talking bout my trip...
laying down a few rules(HAHA)...
and he started to get teary...
HOW CUTE IS THAT???
really...
i know more and more everyday that he's my life...
****
so i leave today,
five days in the windy city...
but i'll be back.
i'll miss you all dearly...
have a good canada day.
and baby...
dont worry... u got me. i love you.

4ever...

2004-06-25T04:16:07Z

because the truth goes something like this:
when he's around my spirits soar,
my heart is happy,
my eyes are smiling,
my breath is taken away.
when he is gone,
im half of what i am destined to be,
im missing my best and favourite accessory,
im just not... complete.
****
four months later...
we're not worried that there might not be an us tomorrow.
we're at complete comfort, and its not scary to us.
and we're content, fights, arguements and flaws...
i look at him, and i see what i've been waiting for all these years.
i look at him and i see perfection.
****
it was celebrated simply.
its so us!
he picked me up at work,
dressed up like i had asked.
*"dressed up and no where to go!" he said @ the bus stop!*
we went for chinese and exchanged gifts.
jumped on the bus, so he could get me home at a reasonable hour/
oh how i love that we know eachother so well.
thank you for another great night!
here's to 4 baby!
happy anniversary.

my drink is the shiiiiit!

2004-06-18T17:47:42Z

How to make a notyotypicalboi

Ingredients:

3 parts jealousy

1 part humour

3 parts confidence

Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lovability

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

i know kids.
i havent been on in soooo long...
but i just had to do this and add it.
how close is it?
SO CLOSE!!!

WORRRRRRRRRRKIT... gotMAHhairDIIIIIID!

2004-06-10T05:59:08Z

it needed to be done, so i shed some unwanted growth off the top of my mane! thank goodness its gone! i love my new stylist... he's hella dope. the bf didnt like his quite as much but he looks as hot as hot can be. its gonna be a lot nicer after the next cut, and after i buy a flat iron... but i can tell already that ima look 100% better then the loser i've looked at in the mirror the past few weeks.

for some reason, i've been really insecure lately. every action, move, outfit has been over analyzed. i've gone from being a free spirit to as calculated as can be. im breaking out. i feel so not put together when it comes to presenting myself for work... and i feel like my boy deserves a better man on his arm. i think that's why i've been causing so many fights.

back are the days when i feel like i have to walk behind everyone, for fear of leading... not knowing if anyone will follow. unworthy. less of a man. but its no ones fault... just my own. i'm constantly praised by one who holds greater power than i've ever seen in one being. he tells me he loves me, he tells me im beautiful... but i am so scared, coz one day he'll see how ugly i am. how NOT worth it i am. and im scared of that day. im scared of losing him.

so now i attempt. to go back to one. start again. clean slate. no hang ups. no insecurity. he tells me he loves me, he means it! i AM worth it. i AM a good person. and i AM the luckiest muther f*cker in the world for having him by my side.

no pain...

2004-06-01T04:31:03Z

you didnt deserve any pain...
yet i know that in every way,
you showed strength, even when it seemed so hard.
so maybe you never taught me,
but i had complete respect for you.
i could see a great woman,
i could see an amazing life...
i could see a wonderful teacher...
i could see a role model.
one that shall be missed!
i prayed for you tonight with my neice...
miss sheehan, i know yer in a better place.
where there is no sadness,
where the air is clean,
and you get to wear yer gym clothes all the time.
dont forget yer whistle,
and i promise i'll never forget you!
...
do me a favour.
look for my nephew up there.
take care of him,
my sister will sleep better knowing that her son is in the right hands...
thank you.

my real name...

2004-05-29T19:20:56Z

i dunno if i agree with this, but whatever... see what happens with you!

W	Warm
I	Innocent
L	Loving
F	Furious
R	Realistic
E	Energetic
D	Distinguished

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

did you have any doubt????

2004-05-27T05:02:54Z

Take the quiz: "How big of a penis do you have?"

Your HUGE!

*ahem... thanks for coming out son! compare... guys AND girls... if you dare!

you make me feel brand new...

2004-05-24T05:15:18Z

you held my life within your hands
created everything I am
taught me how to live again

funny how we still talk about how the two of us came out of nowhere! funny how against all odds, we stand here, three months later, as stronger individuals, who's weakness is eachother. funny how i used to think i had it all, but now realize that i had nothing... nothing without you. funny how i smile, funny how i laugh, and funny how lifes' colours are now so riveting, and not so blue and grey.

happy three months baby!
here's to a love that grows stronger everyday! thank you for being my reason... i love you.

without you
my life has no meaning or rhyme
like notes to a song out of time
how can I repay
you for having faith in me

21 candles...

2004-05-13T14:27:04Z

meet my new friend: patrick bear

year 21...
how one year can bring a world of difference.
i guess when you always expect the worst, one day God will throw you a curve ball!
truth be told, i hate birthdays with a passion.
i usually have a bestfriend, or ex-band mate to screw it up,
but this year, keeping it on the dl proved the right choice.
between the sweet ass journal entries(tina, la, tessar, baby, and ching),
and the beautiful weather... it was already by far the best may 11th in recent years.
but then...
IT GOT BETTER!
my six year old niece woke me up with a kiss... *melts*
and handed me my first gift.
an elmo doll.
i love it!
went outside for breakfast that my mom had made for me...
skipped it to have ice cream cake with my other niece who then gave me gift number two,
a puppy stuffed animal.
my mommy gave me my third gift...
HAIR PRODUCT
doesnt seem like much but if you know me, its all goooooood!
got dressed and met up with my baby!
*got calls frum gracey and chen on the way!
i turn around at the station and there he is...
*funny how after all this time, i can still turn around and get butterflies in my stomach*
so i see my present in his hand and i pretend that i am not excited.
lol.
we watched "Man on Fire".
it was amazing-LY long.
we then had lunch at wendys and caught a cab.
we spent the night at HoJos...
room 1145.
it could've been a shack, and i still would've loved it.
wrestling, breaking records of three, drinking a shitload of soda, american idol, laughing, acting a fool, being hyper, the best present ever, and singing eachother to sleep!
it was beautiful...
falling asleep in my rightful place, with him in my arms.
i now realize that making him my life is the best decision i've ever made.
*thank you baby*
for making my birthday amazing...

evolution...

2004-05-06T03:06:19Z

how things change so rapidly.
moods.
lives.
weird.
lastnight...
*moxie's for 6-"wil, why you hating on the hostess?"
*american idol, and hockey with friends and the best tita in the world
*wendys and tims
*"talks" with tessar during the car ride home, & liking that he has a brain!
*fallin asleep on the phone night 3-im sorry baby! being sick sucks!
smiling thru the rain, knowing that good company, and a hand to hold is all i need. keep life simple, stupid!
....
toinight...
i come home and remember why i love being NOT here!
spend two minutes with my niece who miss me dearly, and get yelled at for it.
then get yelled at again, for being on the computer in my own room.
then get yelled at by my mom for yelling at my yelling sister...
being told im a sinner.
im turning 21 on tuesday... give me an effin' BREAK!
for some reason the world spins yet my family has ceased to change! i am now supposed to apologize for knowing how to take care of myself. i am forced to be the same 10 year old who was dependant, sweet, susceptible, molded, and straight... when the truth is im so different from what i once was. let me evolve, let me breath, let me be who i want to be. dont wait til i walk out of that door, and never look back... dont.

ps//waiting on yer call. its the best part of my night. you keep me going.